Come with me ... down a long, white hallway in the North Battleford hospital.  Here we see a little, 4 year-old girl sitting on the floor, coloring.  Her father has just left.  He lovingly gave her this coloring book and crayons.  It is a Lassie coloring book.  Her family had left her at this hospital earlier in the day, then father returned to give her this book.  She is all alone.  There are children everywhere.  The playroom is darkened.  The children have bandages on their arms, their legs, their eyes and their heads.

Little Bevy is given her own room with a metal crib in it.  She has never had her own room ... already at 4, she has an older brother and two younger siblings.  She spends many days in that room alone.  She wakes to her own eye bandaged and stands alone in her crib and colors.  When the crayons fall, she wonders what to do.  From other rooms she hears children screaming for help.  She gets up her courage and screams for help from the nurses to get her crayons again.

One day as the nurse made her bed, she curiously left the room and walked down the hall.  Just as she came to a crossroads of corridors, the nurse angrily ran up and grabbed her by the arm.  "You naughty, naughty girl.  You should not run away!"  So day after day Bevy stayed alone in her crib in her room.

Many days later - 10 to be exact - Bevy lay weekly in her bed in a room with other children. The nurse sat by and tried to coax her to eat baby food.  But Bevy had never eaten baby food and at 4, she wasn't going to eat baby food.  The nurse said, "If you do not eat this, your mother will not come back!"  But Bevy knew in her heart, that her mother would not come back and that she would not eat baby food.  The nurse tried and tried to force the food, but Bevy was firm.  Then in the doorway, a beautiful face appeared.  The most beautiful face in the world grew large in the doorway.  And the most beautiful face was all Bevy could see ... and it swam.  It was mother.  And mother said to the nurse, "Bevy will not eat baby food.  She is not a baby!"

I tell you these little stories because these are stories that I give when I share about formulating my core beliefs about who I am.  At this young age, my developmental task was to figure out who I was and how I fit into my world.  This is what I formulated:

            I am alone.

            Others are not there.                                       

            The world is scary.

            Therefore I must be quiet,

                        shut down in order to survive.

I grew up - the second child of 6.  I was the oldest girl.  My mother was sick with the pregnancies and when I was in grade 7, she began to struggle with peri-menopause and much depression.  To help her recover, Dad would offer for her to take trips to visit relatives and friends.  Except for one time, whether the hospital or these trips, or simply when Mother was sick, I was in charge of kitchen duties and of emotionally helping Mother.  For a young child with no one to share my heart with, this was a heavy load.

After High School, I went to Bible School, then to work and within a few years, met my future husband.  Together we adopted 4 children.  We were farming on his parents farm.  Some circumstances turned difficult and I found myself feeling alone, frightened and in a deep hole of depression.  There are many things I could share about this time, but now I want to draw your attention to how my early core beliefs affected me during this time.

            I had formulated that:

                        I am alone.

                        Others are not there.

                        The world is scary.

                        And therefore I must be  quiet,                

                                    Shut down in order to survive.                    

These beliefs that I had early formulated seemed to be truth.  I had received Jesus as my Saviour as a young 5 year-old.  I knew that I was a sinner … and Jesus, like a Good Shepherd found me, the little , lost sheep and that I would go to Heaven some day.  I had seen the Lord work on our behalf throughout the years.  I knew that He had answered our prayers for children and they were a gift from Him.

But, I could not feel …things like assurance of salvation.  I based my faith on the Word of God, like I was supposed to.  In those days, we were taught that emotions are a caboose.  Emotions are unimportant.  It had worked for me until that time.

Now when I should feel adult and confident and happy, I found myself reacting to life as my mother had – with depression.  Either I had no feelings or I had negative feelings. I began to journal and bring all my lonely, painful episodes to God in my journal.  This lasted for 5 years – bringing pain after pain.  Gradually, as the years passed, I began to see that God was O.K. with my negative feelings – and that, in fact I sensed His presence and acceptance when I brought this pain to Him.  I also ran some Care Groups and for the first time in my life, I realized that when I shared my heart, even if it was painful they liked me.  And that being human was the best thing going

 Gradually new core beliefs have formed.  They sound like this:

                   I am not alone – Jesus and others are there.

                  Others are there – connect with someone who cares.

                  The world is a good place to be.

                  And therefore I can be me and not just survive,

                        but thrive and fit and belong and grow because       

                  that is what God has planned for me.  

 This testimony demonstrates the development of early core decisions which in Adlerian psychology, we call Lifestyle formation.  It also demonstrates how as an adult one needs to consciously deal with these beliefs to overcome them.